Touched down in Jakarta on er… April 28th, and the first thing I noticed was… gosh, my old pap sure looks old! Came back in disgrace, bringing back a body ravaged by bad nutrition (i think) and the harsh winter, and also bringing back a whack load of terrible results. You know, I don’t really blame anybody for distrusting me that much that I *might not* go back to Canada to study again, only to pack up my things. Well, the whole story is kinda long, so I’ll just tell it in person…. to anybody who doesn’t know the story yet and lucky enough to meet me out on some mamak sessions because you know, I’m kinda grounded~~~ as in, THE grounded, you know, the thing that happens to naughty primary schoolers? : P
I feel like escaping the pressure I’m going to face here, the silence (kinda creepy) I’m getting a bit from my family, the dreaded feeling that somehow right now, my words don’t hold a lot of conviction or weight to them. I feel like escaping back to the shithole in Canada, where nobody gives a damn if you don’t make yourself noticeable, do everything all over again, wham some asses (I always say I want to do this… but I always fail ><), set my boat on sail on an unknown sea trip instead of forever staying on the land, you know, give myself some credibility. True, I’m so loaded on pressure that coming back doesn’t feel like a trip to rest and prepare myself again for the next trip, but then, when the familiar smell of humid 30ºC air whacked me in the face, I thought, to hell with the pressure man! You don’t face the heat, you never become a man eh?
I want to go back there so badly…. even if only for one more semester before I potentially give up all my freedom to start all over again in M’sia in a course my parents will choose for me instead of me picking up what I want. I want to prove to myself, I’m not a loser, I might have gone down hard once, but I ain’t letting that sonofabitch scream to the whole wide world that I sucked at adapting to a different life… nor a western study environment. First things first, no more grandiose visions or fanciful goals, one thing at a time. I just gotta change my attitude and way of learning piece by piece for now. Stay put in my chair and learn how to study for no shorter than 1 hour… first. That’s all I wanna do for now.
So kawans, go steady on the mamak invitations if you guys happen to hit Klang again yeah? My mom planned a lot of trips for me these four months… with the family XD, and I think I only have a quota of 1 mamak per week, so well, you get what I mean?
P.S. Dad, if you ever read this, I know you are disappointed in me, so disappointed that no adjectives can be used to describe that feeling. But then, your son didn’t spend 2 years in the wilderness without learning any lessons. Ok, what I did was wrong, reeeaallll wrong, but I still learned some things. They will take some time to manifest in my actions though.
P.P.S Dear mom and two elder sis, sometimes I just wish you guys would trust me enough to let me stand up on my own and encourage me somewhat while I do that without giving out a helping hand. I just need some trust and nice words (although most of the time I need some pressure though : P), not a damning verdict that I’ll never come good on myself. That said, I may have done some unbelievable whoppers in my time, but I’m not a spoiled kid at heart, nor do I make it my personal vendetta to piss you guys way over the meter ; )
旭日 
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